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Funny Quotes (923)

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

Tags: Run, Ask, Kid
Red Skelton

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

Tags: Snow, Used, White
Mae West

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Tags: Women, Through, Anyone
Groucho Marx

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Tags: Love, Sound, Fly
Douglas Adams

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Tags: Two, Try, Three
Laurence J. Peter

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Tags: Good, Live, Far
Steven Wright

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Tags: Trap, Pancake, Syrup
Mitch Hedberg

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

Tags: Him, Congress, Lead
Milton Berle

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Tags: Die, Soul, Belief
George Carlin

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

Tags: Person, Listen, Pessimist
Don Marquis

Quote of the Day

I meant what I said and I said what I meant.

Said, Meant

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