Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin

Demetri Evan Martin (born May 25, 1973) is an American comedian, actor, artist, musician, writer and humorist.

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I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

Tags: Christmas, Happy, Jesus

Demetri Martin

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

Tags: Human, Hard, Kind

Demetri Martin

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

Tags: Direction, Takes, Figured

Demetri Martin

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

Tags: Morning, Believe, Sometimes

Demetri Martin

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

Tags: Good, Found

Demetri Martin

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Tags: Says, Outside, Puzzle

Demetri Martin

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Tags: Tell, Fat, Spoon

Demetri Martin

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

Tags: Great, Camera, Invention

Demetri Martin

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

Tags: Day, Find, Stuff

Demetri Martin

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

Tags: Thought, Since, Kid

Demetri Martin

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